Thursday, October 25, 2007

More ups and downs

I gained some perspective and felt pretty good for a couple days there. Today again, the despair hit like a ton of molasses. It seems so hard to move. Everything is bogged down and slowed. The requests I send in for support receive slow, slow attention -- so slow that in some cases, I don't know if anyone has heard me at all.

We have run out of Kim Chee seasoning. I know four ways to order more. I can't seem to choose. Simply overwhelmed at deciding whether to buy a bulk three and a half pounds for $19.89 or 24 packets of just over an ounce each for $22, or one packet for $11.50. It's a product from Hawaii, and ordering small amounts incurs a hideous postage cost. All three prices include postage. On one hand, one packet would last me at least two months. On the other hand, the single packet price is ridiculous.

The fourth option? Ask my local supermarket to try to get it. At an uncertain price, uncertain success, and with another uncertain delay.

Bleck. I sound awful today. I knew that. Getting some words down makes it really obvious.

There are projects I'm committed to. There are steps I could take that would put me on the path to increasing my income so I wouldn't be woggled considering small financial consequences like buying the Kim Chee seasoning. I wish I had someone more to listen to me.

If I could buy my own service today, I'd get it in a heartbeat.


Monday, October 22, 2007

Really scared

So, I joined OneCoach, and started a process to play business on a larger scale than I ever have before.

It went amazingly well for the first few days. I had some great ideas for new services I could offer. I made a plan to cooperate with a member of my networking group to offer more value at a seminar he is giving soon. I was making fast progress.

And then the fear hit. Really, truly petrified. Wave after wave, almost unable to move. Critical thoughts proclaiming loudly that I don't have any right to raise my income, that my services aren't valuable, and who do I think I am, anyway?

It hurt.

I know the theory about how moving out of our comfort zones causes fear. I know several methods for reducing fear. That didn't stop the physical reality of it, my body weak and drooping, struggling to sleep, craving sugar and grease. Hard, it's so hard.

I'm even scared to write about it. People will see this and know I'm not perfect. I'm going to blow my cover and never get clients again. More fearful thoughts on every hand.

But they are just thoughts. In life coaching, we are not required to be perfect. Especially through North Star, where one of our watchwords is TAO for Transparent, Authentic, and Open. Yes, our imperfections are visible. Truth creates freedom, and the truth is that I am suffering today as I expand my horizons. I'm frightened to aim higher than I have before. It is the right kind of fear. This kind of fear is actually a sign post that I am moving in the right direction.

So, I am practicing remembering how real and physical this is. I want to understand what you are going through, if you find this fear too. And, eventually, I want to be able to let you know that I made it through.

It is very fortunate that coaching is not based on me being perfect. I don't even have to be smarter or wiser than my clients. I'm certain to know less than they do about being them. What I do provide is an outside perspective, my knowledge of coaching, and my experience of being me.

May we both reach higher ground.